Friday, January 13, 2017

With love on your birthday.....

Dear Daughter,

On your fifteenth birthday I have so much to say but I am unable to do so.  I think the first and foremost thing to say today to you is 'forgive me', forgive me for all the yelling and screaming and arguing that I do with you, I feel like a monster when I do that to you.  I know these are those difficult years in an individuals life, the teen years when you are neither here nor there and you feel alienated, you feel that the entire world is against you, especially your Mother.   I totally identify with that feeling, it feels like yesterday when I went through the same feelings and I thought my Mother was an insensitive person. It took me almost a  life time, that is till you turned a teenager to realise how it feels to be in the shoes of a Mother but it is ironical that though I totally understand your feelings I am somehow unable to show you the empathy that I must.

I feel strangulated  when I enter the house in the evening after a stressful day , which is almost every day, and the moment I enter the house I start shouting at you , getting irritated at the smallest of things, getting angry at the flimsiest provocations, but all that while there is a person inside me who shouts even louder at me to stop immediately, to be soft, to be smiling to be patient, but it is this monster mother who always wins, and that person inside disappears with tears in her eyes, tears of guilt, anger, stress and mostly guilt.

The fact that I am a working mother is no excuse for what I do to your sister and you almost daily. In fact most of the days when I am on my way home I resolve not to repeat the same scenario but somehow the moment I am inside the house something inside me suddenly snaps and then I am this unfeeling, unsympathetic person who is unstoppable, loaded with a lashing tongue. I think being a working mother I should be trying to make most of the time I get with you, also I need to set an example in front of both of you so that tomorrow when you become Mothers ( I think even both of you might be working Mothers) you do not do what I do to you to your children.

Forgive me my child, I will try again and I will try to give you happy memories which you will treasure when you are all grown up, I wish I can give you memories which will inspire you to be an awesome mother, a mother who is gentle and loving and fun to be with.   I dream of being one, really  I do but somehow each day, every day, I fail miserably and you can not imagine how much I loathe myself for that failure.

On your fifteenth birthday when you are taller than me, more beautiful than I ever was, more articulate and with an amazing way with words which I just love, a sense of humor which cracks up everybody,  I am sure you are going to be a really talented, well read and successful young woman.   All I wish for you is loads of happiness today and every day of your life.  

I recognize an underlying strength in you, I know how much you crave for a smile and an appreciation from me, sorry once again for all the scolding, all the humiliation which I have made you suffer knowingly most of the time and sometimes unknowingly.. just remember I love you and nobody in this world might be able to compete with me on that but I wish even more love to you...

Also I know how much it hurts on your birthday this year because last year on same day I lost my grandmother, who was epitome of beauty , strength and love and I had lost out on some precious time with her and her demise came as a real jolt to me and every one in the family.  I have seen you struggling to come to terms with this sudden loss  especially on the day of your birthday but I am sure she bestows her blessings and love to you from heaven above.  You are special  and will always remain so.