The screaming of my mother till echoes in my head !! The rain was pouring down, we were scrambling for cover from our one roomed quarter to the lofty bungalow , my little sister, the newborn baby was in my mothers arms, my arm was full of a load of baby clothes , while running for cover some clothes accidentally fell to the nearby drainage and went floating away .. the scream was for that.. I was only 8 and was hurt.. was not mature enough to understand the value of those clothes that the drain had carried away with it. The clothes were imported soft muslin clothes for the baby, of course they were hands me downs, but were so much required for the little new born. All that remained etched in my memory was the angry scream that was directed at me.. it lived inside me for quite sometime, it made me feel guilty then angry and then lonely.
I always longed for my mother to hold me tight, to love me and pamper me, but she never did.. of course she had her own reasons , very strong one at that . but at the same time I saw her cuddling my sister, loving her, saying sweet nothings to her it felt bad…very very bad..I could not understand at that time that it was but natural to cuddle a little baby and pamper it.. after all I was 8 years older and was old enough to understand, but unfortunately I never did.. I held the grudge in my mind.. I considered myself unfortunate .. I even complained to my teachers that my mother is always busy with the little baby..she does not love me.
I am sure this feeling remained with me throughout, even when I got married, even when I became a mother..but it dawned upon me, the truth of it, the essence of it and the crux of it when my second child was born, my second baby is 6 years younger to my elder one, this baby made me realize that no mother does it deliberately. Fortunately I do not have the kind of problems to face which my mother had..but still I notice that pampering the younger one comes easy to me, it is not that I do not love my elder one, I love her more than any body, but from her I have certain expectations, that she should behave in a certain way, that she should understand and like wise, I don’t know if this expectations stems just from the fact that she is the older one, I can’t see any other reason.
But the younger one, I hold her instantly, cuddle her, pamper her , I snap less at her and even if she does something naughty the scolding goes to the elder one. I hate it , absolutely so when I do this, because I know exactly what is going on in my elder child’s heart, things like this would get etched in her mind also just like some are etched in my memory.. I try hard not to do it but it happens, I try hard to cuddle her but then she does something which makes me snap at her or scold her, but every time I do it I cringe inside, every word I say reflects my own sorrow, every time I ask her to study instead of sitting and talking to me I know I am not right.. I do not want my daughter to have the same heart burn which I suffered all those years. Till I my self became a mother the second time around.
I feel guilty now for all the ill feelings I had for my mother all those years.. it is indeed an exemplary thing that inspite of such huge problems in life she still managed to love us, show us her love, and care for us. I feel belittled that me being more educated, more aware, did not realize this earlier in life, and kept feeling uneasy the whole life rather than feeling good and blessed about it.
Somehow this whole thing proves that child is the father of man.. truly and amazingly yes.. my children taught me the truth which eluded me all these years.. and I am constantly striving not to make any such memories for my first born which will make her suffer the way I did, I constantly and consciously try everyday to make her feel loved and wanted.. forever..
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
When dry brown leaves rustled up during the wind, I looked back just thinking, just hoping to find a friend behind me. There was no one and nothing apart from the winds rustling up the leaves and birds chirping on the trees, the muddy path astrewn with small yellow and pink flowers and wild berries red and ripe. Such scenic beauty should have made me serene and happy with myself, drinking in the beautiful surroundings and lapping up natures abundant greenery. But all that I could think of was how lonely I was, it is true that I love solitude, but it is not what I crave for always, it is only one fondness of mine, not an obsession, but it starts to eat me up, corroding me from the insides of my heart, when I long to just chat , to be just heard, not seeking any advise, not asking for any favour, not looking for sympathy, only looking for sheer , pure understanding. It is said that friends , real friends, best of friends can go with out speaking to each other for years and connect back instantly as if they met only yesterday. I must admit , I have no such friends, I thought I had, but actually no, and all my friends are wonderful, they are very good, but it is me I am sure who does not win such warmth from my friends,it is my dry nature, or too much of expectations or may be something unknown to me, which makes me unworthy of such intense and deep friendships. Where someone believes you completely, criticizes you honestly, trusts you blindly, someone who listens to you without being judgmental, where you do not need to prove yourself, you can cry till you laugh, and laugh till you cry with such a friend. I envy those who have such friends, I know I sound like a 13 year old, confused and disappointed, but I actually feel this way now and so much so that I am writing it down to vent out my feelings . I am not looking for answers, they are all within me, I am looking to leave this aside and carry on.. with life.. which is sometimes unfair.. sometimes mean and sometimes keeps tempting.. then teasing.. then just disappears round the corner. Yes.. the brown leaves and the wind and the nature , the cold wind everything is evaporating into thin air.. leaving me out here .. to find my own answers ..to introspect and to just let go… Ye. I am not making sense.. but then sometimes life and feelings are such that it does not make sense.. sometimes.